someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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