my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
