I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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