pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
