i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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