I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize