ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
