I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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