paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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