Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
