I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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