In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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