when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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