if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
