So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
two words...techno handjob
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
