Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
