It's just like the Real World with babies
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
