Will you blow on my dice?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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