My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
