I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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