this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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