During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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