my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
