There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
