My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
