Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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