I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
