Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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