can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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