I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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