he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
