so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
