how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
