So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
