I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
