anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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