Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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