I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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