Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Actions speak louder than pants.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
