ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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