Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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