It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
