remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
