It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
