apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
