my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize