worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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