I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
