y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
