i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
