ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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