Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
