(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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