So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
