I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize