All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize