I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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